Article 33: Self-Psychological Adjustment and Post-Divorce Psychological Reconstruction for Those Engaging in Extramarital Affairs

Self-psychological adjustment for those having extramarital affairs

Throughout history, extramarital affairs have always seemed like a beautiful trap. While full of allure and excitement, they violate morality, public opinion, and reason, thus becoming a risky game. Those involved in extramarital affairs gain emotional compensation and the thrill of infidelity, but bear a heavy burden of law, morality, responsibility, and conscience.

Because each person having an extramarital affair has different circumstances and life situations, the self-psychological adjustment methods that apply will also vary. Generally speaking, from the moment the affair begins, those having extramarital affairs are caught in a dual approach-avoidance conflict of varying degrees. On the one hand, they are overjoyed and blissfully intoxicated by the prospect of once again enjoying love and its sweetness; on the other hand, they fear exposure and the resulting disgrace and ruin. They want to maintain the affair but are unwilling to abandon their families.

(1) Methods of self-psychological adjustment

Recognize the consequences of extramarital affairs. Extramarital affairs not only harm spouses and children, but also ruin one's reputation and career. It's crucial to understand that the fleeting pleasure an extramarital affair brings is far outweighed by the potential long-term suffering it causes.

Shift your focus. Invest your energy in work, study, physical exercise, or other meaningful activities to reduce opportunities for contact with your extramarital affair partner.

Seek professional help. If you are unable to overcome the distress of an extramarital affair on your own, you can seek help from a psychologist.

(2) How to face one's spouse after ending an extramarital affair

If someone who has had an extramarital affair ends it after self-adjustment, how should they face their spouse? Should they confess to their spouse to alleviate their guilt? How to handle this issue depends primarily on the marital relationship. Specifically, it can be divided into the following two situations:

If you believe you and your spouse understand and trust each other deeply, and that your spouse is broad-minded and holds strong beliefs about love and fidelity that would forgive such an accidental lapse, then there's no need to hide it, as this could damage the most precious bond of trust and openness between spouses. You can choose an appropriate way to confess to your spouse and seek their forgiveness and understanding. However, it's undeniable that very few couples can achieve this, and most people who have extramarital affairs find it difficult to receive leniency from their spouses. In such cases, you must consider other methods.

If you believe your marital relationship is unstable, and your spouse is narrow-minded and traditional, unable to withstand the emotional blow of your "confession," then it's best to remain silent. Of course, concealing your infidelity from your spouse is deception, but this method can protect the family and prevent your spouse from suffering severe psychological trauma. Life is sometimes this complex and unpredictable. This is determined by people's personal circumstances and the social environment.

Psychological adjustment after divorce

For most people, divorce is like undergoing surgery on the soul; the psychological trauma it inflicts is profound and difficult for most to comprehend. Whether a divorced person can overcome the psychological obstacles after divorce and smoothly navigate the period of adjustment directly impacts their future quality of life and mental and physical health.

(1) Avoid speaking ill of the other person in front of the child.

After a divorce, both parents should try to avoid speaking ill of each other in front of the children. This is because children caught in the middle of their parents' mutual denigration experience intense inner conflict. For the sake of the children's mental health, even if they harbor great resentment, they should exercise restraint.

(2) Implementing emotional "detoxification"

First and foremost, irrational divorces should be prevented. However, even among those who divorce after careful consideration, some may find themselves struggling with the aimless, adrift state of life immediately following the divorce, or perhaps still emotionally attached to their ex-partner. This can lead to a desire for remarriage within days of the divorce. This phenomenon is akin to the withdrawal symptoms after drug addiction-knowing it's wrong yet still wanting to do it, causing immense inner turmoil. If they fail to overcome this hurdle, they risk repeating the same mistakes, falling back into the same cycle and experiencing even greater suffering.

There are three ways to overcome such irrational thoughts:

a. Continuously relive the most intense and painful moments from your pre-divorce conflicts, moments you find unbearable to recall. Recreate the entire scene in your mind, including your partner's facial expressions, actions, and words, especially those that angered and hurt you. This can help you clearly realize that remarriage will not solve the problem.

b. Try to think more about the advantages of being single. While living alone can be lonely, it also has its own pleasures, such as freedom of movement, the ability to manage your time and money independently, the opportunity to make more friends, and the chance to develop your hobbies. If you don't isolate yourself after your divorce, you'll discover that there's still a beautiful and joyful haven in life. Once you experience this joy, your pain will naturally lessen.

c. Temporarily refrain from making any judgments or decisions regarding remarriage, and instead take a longer period (several months or more) to adjust your emotions and life. If, after you have calmed down, you still believe that you have indeed found the key to resolving marital conflicts, and your partner also has the desire to reconcile, then it is not too late to get back together; moreover, doing so will improve the quality of your marriage after remarriage, preventing another "marital war" from breaking out.

In addition, one can adjust by changing life goals, devoting time and energy to work and study, and developing potential.

Psychological adjustment after widowhood

In real life, there are numerous cases of adults experiencing a rapid deterioration in physical and mental health after the loss of a spouse, leading to premature aging and death. Psychological research also shows that bereavement is a negative life event that causes significant changes in an individual's life and evokes strong stress responses, especially for those entering old age, where it is one of the heaviest psychological blows. Therefore, it is important to learn to adjust one's mindset in the following ways:

(1) Face reality

The death of a spouse is a fact that has already occurred and cannot be changed. Face this reality bravely, allow yourself to grieve, but do not wallow in grief for too long.

(2) Seeking social support

Don't keep your pain inside. Talk to family and friends about your grief, join a support group for widowed individuals, and talk to others who have had similar experiences to gain understanding and support.

(3) Eliminate the triggers of nostalgia

As the saying goes, "Seeing objects is like seeing the person." Constantly seeing a spouse's belongings can intensify feelings of longing, which is not beneficial for a normal life. Therefore, one should try to avoid triggers of nostalgia, put away the spouse's belongings, especially those items that most easily evoke painful memories, and shift attention to the present and future. Of course, on the anniversary of the spouse's death or during Qingming Festival, it's acceptable to take out the belongings and reminisce.

(4) Pursue an active lifestyle

After the death of a spouse, one's role changes drastically, and many things that were once major components of life are no longer there, leaving behind feelings of emptiness and loneliness. Therefore, it is important to seek new and positive lifestyles, learn to take care of oneself, develop new interests, devote oneself to learning and work, or wholeheartedly nurture children, seeking spiritual sustenance in these areas.

Psychological adjustment for remarriage

Remarried individuals face a series of psychological adjustment issues both before and after entering into a new marriage.

(1) Eliminate misconceptions and rebuild self-confidence. The inferiority complex among remarried individuals is primarily due to the severe influence of societal prejudices, leading to incorrect perceptions of their divorce and remarriage, underestimating the value of their remarriage, and consequently, low self-esteem. Therefore, to overcome this inferiority complex and rebuild self-confidence, one must first eliminate these misconceptions and firmly believe that their choice is reasonable and valuable. Furthermore, they should not fear social pressure, disregard societal prejudices, and confidently love the person they love.

(2) Expectations for remarried life should not be too high. When two people (at least one of whom has experienced divorce) form a family, remarried life presents more hidden dangers and unfavorable factors compared to first marriage. First, the remarried couple's experience with their previous marriage is a significant factor affecting the quality of their remarriage. The aforementioned psychological obstacles such as negative "repetition of past experiences" and "contrast associations" that easily arise after remarriage are specific manifestations of the adverse effects of previous marital experiences on remarried life. Therefore, remarried couples should be psychologically prepared, avoid having excessively high expectations for remarried life, and learn to be tolerant and understanding.

(3) Maintain a good relationship with stepchildren. After remarriage, the relationship between stepparents and stepchildren is one of the key factors affecting the harmony of the remarried family. Be patient and sincere with stepchildren, do not rush things, and gradually build trust and affection.

(4) Strengthen communication with your new spouse. Remarried couples should be honest with each other, communicate their feelings and needs, and face various problems that may arise in remarried life together.