41. Characteristics and Strategies of Communication in Open Families and Successful Families

Members of open-ended families tend to be physically stronger. One study illustrated this difference. Eighty-three households discussed a hypothetical situation of a seriously ill, terminally ill patient. While these families discussed the topic, interactions between families were observed, and then the frequency of illness within these families was monitored over six months. Families that discussed death easily, happily, and freely were healthier; they experienced fewer illnesses than families that ignored the topic or never found enjoyment in discussing it. Thus, families that openly and freely discuss difficult issues are likely healthier, and health is a sign of actively and effectively handling family problems. Families that struggle to cope with external stressors often have taboo topics, and their every word and action suggests that these topics are extremely dangerous and threaten their survival. While families that discuss issues such as death, sex, violence, drug use, political views, and family disagreements do exhibit typical conflicts, children in families unable to fairly discuss "sensitive" topics often experience unusual depression and distress during adolescence.

While current research hasn't identified a single healthy lifestyle, certain patterns of family interactions associated with various emerging illnesses have emerged. For example, men with ulcerative colitis often experience social limitations, tending to avoid contact with people outside their family and maintaining minimal contact even within their own homes. However, the mere mention of the colitis patient creates significant tension, with family members expecting criticism. Similarly, research shows that families with depressed male heads of household exhibit extreme awkwardness in daily conversations and responses. Depressed male heads receive a significant amount of negative and even hostile feedback from other family members, experiencing more neglect and less emotional support than others. A simple treatment approach emerges from this finding: informing other family members about the situation and encouraging them to support and care for the depressed male head of household can gradually resolve the underlying issues. When men are emotionally distressed, they struggle to cope and need support from their families.

When family networks fail to facilitate active and effective communication of ideas and feelings, and cannot provide emotional support, family relationships face a crisis of sustainability. For many families, this crisis can lead to divorce, separation, emotional estrangement, abandonment, and illness. One study found that when one spouse falls ill, the healthy spouse is almost 60% also in a state of severe mental stress, which can cause them to fall ill as well.

A family crisis can be seen as a test of a family's ability to survive. A crisis can occur when someone in the family falls ill and is hospitalized, becomes chronically ill, or when a child or parent dies. Moral corruption is another type of crisis; the shame of a man's alcoholism, crime, illegality, neglect of duty, unserious lifestyle, sudden unemployment, or sudden poverty can all put stress on the family. Other crises arise from the expansion and changes in family members-the arrival of a newborn, the move-in of a relative, or the marriage of a stepfather or stepmother-each of these can be considered a test of the family's adaptability. The last type of crisis involves a combination of factors and is generally accompanied by abandonment, divorce, illegitimate children, imprisonment, illegality, escape, or suicide.

If a family attempts to recover from ordinary family changes and these particular crises, then its adaptability must be flexible and creative, and the rules governing how family members communicate will be of great significance. When family rules are rigid or oppressive, the distress of the crisis becomes destructive. Subsequently, individual family members begin to fall ill, divorce or abandonment of children occurs, mental illness develops, the breadwinner is unable to perform their work effectively, children are unable to complete school assignments, and even death may occur.

Striving for change

The two people who form a family have different life experiences, ways of thinking and values. Men and women have their own thoughts and feelings. However, in order to achieve the common goal of family life, both of them need to adjust their behavior to adapt to the needs of living together.

For many families, changing oneself or one's partner is not an easy task. Sometimes, conflict arises when shared life requires compromise, while the couple struggles to meet each other's expectations. Every family gradually develops its own set of unique family rules. Once established, these rules inevitably create resistance that seeks to change them. In reality, not all rules are correct or conducive to family and emotional well-being. Sometimes, adjustments to family rules are necessary. The key is how to make these adjustments and how to avoid major conflicts during the process.

The essential characteristics and structure of a family system enable family relationships to remain balanced. Previous rules become fixed habits, and unless the system includes a clause that allows these rules to be changed at any time, behavior will become rigid and inflexible.

Besides this inherent characteristic of the family system, most men are unsure how to act when a change in rules is needed. Some men, however, are adept at using methods and approaches, which can easily escalate ordinary family conflicts, causing destructive consequences. If men and women already have disagreements in family life, the following practices should be avoided to prevent the conflict from becoming extreme: overgeneralization, settling old scores, avoiding accusatory language, and making unrealistic speculations.

Complete generalization, which avoids specific explanations of the problem, is essentially a form of criticism and creates resistance. Some couples, when arguing, readily bring up past grievances, criticizing each other for past mistakes and wrongdoings. This can lead the other person to misunderstand that you harbor resentment and cannot let go of past grievances. This not only fails to resolve the conflict but also alienates the relationship. Regardless of the cause of resentment, bringing up past grievances will inevitably cause new pain, unpleasantness, and anger. Remember, settling old scores easily damages the present relationship. In fact, any vehement condemnation does not help solve the problem; such behavior only deeply wounds the other person's self-esteem and easily triggers retaliation. Even if the other person has done wrong, you should explain the reasons and offer suggestions rather than simply criticizing their mistakes. Some men believe they understand women's psychology and can read their minds, but the reality is quite different. If they rely on their inaccurate perceptions to judge women, misunderstandings will arise.

Furthermore, interrupting or taking over what others are saying should be avoided in family communication. These behaviors make the other person feel disrespected, leading to resentment and aversion. This is because it implies imposing one's motives and reasons on another.

The obstacles to communication in family relationships listed above are not exhaustive; they represent only some of the more common ones. These methods all attempt to control the family situation, but the results are often unsatisfactory, leading to resistance from the other party, estrangement and coldness in relationships with others, and ultimately preventing a satisfactory resolution to the problem.